I, for the sake of other victims like me, have discovered a new ally in the fight against procrastination. His name is “Dr.” Neil Fiore, productivity expert. He claims to be able to solve one's chronic inability to get out of bed through hypnosis. Attempting to cure procrastination by changing your own mental patterns doesn't work: you need someone else to dig deep down and do it for you. His pitch involves the phrase, 'May I make a bold assertion?' The lesson here is to be wary of those who use rhetorical questions when trying to get you to do or buy stuff. ("Have you ever tried to do the washing up without washing up liquid?" It's not pyramid selling, Mark.)

Two particular methods of overcoming a lack of motivation stand out by virtue of being diametrically opposed to each other. In Eat That Frog!, Brian Tracy employs the timeless technique of stringing out a very simple concept into an entire book. To save you having to read it: if you eat a live frog every morning, the rest of your day will be a breeze. (No amphibians are actually harmed.) Your 'frog' is the slimy, unpleasant thing at the top of your list, the one you're least looking forward to doing, but which will give you the greatest relief once it's over. Your aim is not to try to do everything, but do one thing - your frog - first thing in the morning rather than doing lots of little useless things all day and never really doing anything. After eating your frog you won't catch yourself...swallowing multiple tadpoles of self-denial?

Completely conversely, Structured Procrastination is a beautiful concept invented by a man called John Perry. He realises that, while procrastinators find it very difficult to eat their frog, they can often achieve a bundle of other things purely to avoid doing their 'most important' task. The key, he claims, is choosing your 'important task,' one that is unpleasant, requires much of you, but won't incur any severe penalties if you fail to get it done on time. This way, you can meet several smaller goals which are in reality more important than your biggie. Instead of finishing the 1,000 page novel, you'll get in touch with some useful contacts, spring-clean your house and write a blog entry on procrastination. Sooner or later, he ends ominously, an even bigger fish will come along and Ulysses will seem positively appealing compared with your final essay question. Eventually, you'll get everything done, as long as you recognise the way in which you prioritise your activities, and adapt your expectations to it.

I've been thinking about the myriad solutions to this problem and have learnt a lot from the men above. Recently, I started work on my own book about procrastination, largely to avoid doing any real work. And finally, my misdirected efforts have paid off. I generously provide an extract, or 'teaser,' below.

May I introduce Just Fucking Do It, a simple, life-changing way to wave goodbye to poor motivation? (Said introduction will cost you £9.99.) It's punchy, direct, and easy to pick up - even for those of us who aren't born readers.

Chapter 1: Just Fucking Do It

Just fucking do it.